“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not whither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
-Gandalf the Grey
The Fellowship of the Ring
Almost two decades ago, someone left a white envelope with my name on it in my “student mailbox” at Regent College. Inside was a small square piece of white paper with this poem from Lord of the Rings printed in plain text on it…along with a $100 bill. There were no identifying markers, and no one around for me to catch lingering to see my reaction.
I had decided earlier that year to extend my original one-year diploma plan to a 2-3 masters program, sensing in my spirit that I wasn’t finished with my studies there yet, nor perhaps my time in Vancouver, BC. During Spring break, I headed home to announce my decision to my parents.
My non-Christian dad, who nevertheless lives according to his heart and passion and “spirit”, warned me that staying a second year will “say something” about me to people or society etc., in more of a philosophical words-of-wisdom way than a challenging or mocking type of way. I told him that is not an issue for me, because it would be an accurate and truthful “something said” about who I am and what is most important to me. That answer seemed to satisfy him and he is on board.
My mom who is a believer and more inclined to raise the practical issues, struggles to understand why I would extend my one-year “break” from real life to two or possibly more, and what about the costs? My first year of tuition was covered by academic scholarship (like a free year-long academically rich Christian retreat! so she was okay with that as a great opportunity I could afford to take with my savings and some extra help from my parents); but my second year would require quite the financial investment–tuition on top of room & board, and my savings were depleted from the previous year of studying rather than working. She reiterated all these points of hers as we walked into the Church before parting ways, she to her Chinese Worship Service and me to my English Worship Service.
During service I sensed God telling me it’s important for me to hear out my parents, patiently, respectfully and with serious care and consideration; don’t just take matters into my own hands and pull the “I’m an adult now, I can do what I want” card. When I find my mom after Service to walk back out to the car, she has concluded that if this is God’s will, I am to write a support letter and see what happens. She is at peace and no longer frantically calculating costs (financial and otherwise) in her head. I accept her request and draft up my letter. And miraculously the support–prayer and financial!–all comes in, and I get to remain in Vancouver.
Back at school that fall, I was keenly aware that this was now a “community thing,” it was no longer just my personal journey. I was also now surviving on other people’s work and sweat and savings, and amazed and in wonderment at what that meant–both the sense of support and encouragement that others saw this as God’s hand in my life as well, and also this sense of responsibility to put their investment in me to work, and to the best of my ability, to not squander a single penny. Money would be tight (I did not want to ask for extra, just what was needed to cover tuition, books, shelter, food etc.), but I was unbothered and so so grateful to not need to worry about having my needs met. My confidence and conviction and certainty that I was right where I needed and was meant to be in that season was solidified beyond any reasonable doubt.
That year, perhaps more than any time in my life, to have anything, and especially anything “extra” really, felt like an extravagant blessing and refreshment–both from others and from above. And in this context, is where the white envelope showed up, during my first week back at school.
To this day I do not know who my anonymous note and gift giver is. The generous gift helped me have an incredibly faith-boosted and therefore financially-stress-free start to my new school term.
The poem–I have kept and treasured and pondered this small square piece of white paper ever since.
Whether it was meant as a message to me from my benefactor, or perhaps a prophetically chosen poem to represent a “word from God,” or simply a favourite poem he/she likes sharing, I will never completely know.
What I do know, however, is the message that has since gotten stuck in my head and heart–it served as affirmation of what is inside of us, what God has placed there and what He is calling us to at any given moment, simply cannot be judged by outward appearances anymore than most books can be adequately judged by its cover. In 1 Samuel 16:7, God instructs his prophet Samuel in identifying his new chosen king, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (NIV).
For a young woman (in those days) who was yet so broken by life and emotional pain, and yet whose heart and mind had also been so filled and overtaken with a fiercer faith and awareness of the strength and power God could and would mold out of all of that “stuff,” I understood and relied upon and valued this truth as a core foundation, upon which I knew I could confidently stand (Luke 6:47-49).
It is okay to “not glitter,” to “wander, to grow “old,” and to invest in growing “deep roots” in hiddenness. God knows whose you are, and therefore who and what you are — and there will be others scattered along the way, here and there, who know too.
In God’s most trustworthy hands, as He is the One who created and designed and therefore most knows us (Ephesians 2:10), we are like “jars of clay,” and He promises that His “grace is sufficient” for us, for His “power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10, NIV)
When trouble or trials come our way, and life does not look like “life to the full” (John 10:10) as we have been taught by the world and inclined by our flesh to expect and want it, we need not fear, nor fall into shame or embarrassment, nor question or status before God:
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NIV)
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:3-7, NIV)
In faith, I chose (and declare that I will continue to choose) the path to seek an ever-deeper relationship with Jesus, valuing and asking for Fruit of the Spirit above and beyond all gold, glitter and glitz. In return for all that we may lay down at Jesus’ feet, and any chance He has when we open our hearts to Him to receive, He fills us with the “Fruit of the Spirit” we, as human beings created in His image, were designed to need in order to live what is truly “life to the full”:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)
In faith, I have also grown increasingly confident that “fruit” in the sense of impact and results (that matter most to my heart) happens most significantly and life-giving-ly wherever and whenever it is that God happens to be leading us. Above and beyond using logic and reason to determine best next steps (although those God-given abilities certainly do come into play), there is a journey He would lead us on that oftentimes takes unexpected turns and twists that end up adding rich treasures into our lives and personhood.
Over the years, I have learned that wherever He is leading me, that is where I grow more “filled with the fruit of the Spirit” and thus in Christlikeness–and also where I find and grow in supernatural confidence that whatever He has called me to do He will indeed have my back. God, for whom nothing good is impossible, is the One who guarantees whatever He has promised, and ultimately that “all things work for good for those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).
This year ahead I seem to have come to another one of those big crossroads, which I will share and elaborate upon as/when the journey plays out a couple more steps and becomes more clear. Perhaps this is why a powerful running theme throughout this past year was God reminding me of where I come from, what He has (and has not) put in me, and how He has always shown up at various stages of my life, even long before I ever personally knew to follow Him (childhood, teens, young adult, 30s as a mom, and soon to be 40!). Perhaps this is also why today I felt compelled to read over, reflect upon and share the poem that has stayed by my computer desk every day since the day I received it…
Dare with me this year ahead to look (or continue looking) at yourself, others and this world around us, not from a superficial, temporary perspective, but with the eyes of Christ renewing our vision and minds daily.
Look beyond the glitter and glitz (or absence thereof) to the faith God is building up in us, and to the Fruit of the Spirit God is readily and eagerly pouring into us, on the paths He has thoughtfully laid out before us, and to which He is lovingly calling us.
MY CURRENT TOP 3 READING, VIEWING & LISTENING LIST:
READING
Courage & Calling: Embracing Your God-Given Potential – This book was actually my first introduction to Regent College, as its author was a professor there. I read it the summer after I graduated from university, and to this day find it to be one of the best books on the topic–thoughtful, balanced and wise, Biblical and applicable to all aspects of discerning our life steps.
MOVIES
- Cinderella (Disney’s 2015 Version) – Ella’s Mother: I have to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer. Have courage and be kind.
- Wonder Woman – Queen Hippolyta: You know that if you choose to leave, you may never return. Diana Prince: Who will I be if I stay?
- Moana – “Moana, do you know who you are?”
MUSIC
Great to read an update, on your thoughts and faith journey!Thanks so much for sharing!