Psalm 131 (NIV)

A song of ascents. Of David.

My heart is not proud, Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore.

Last weekend was a bit difficult for me, perhaps from the stress of funeral planning, mourning and unexpected (and not-the-happiest reason for) travelling last month… And now my mind a bit in overdrive trying to think how to deal with any emotional aftermath, for myself, for my family also struggling with the loss of son and brother….all the while trying to make up for the lost time as a mom I feel my own children lost out on as a result of my absences.

With Mother’s Day being a Happy Mother’s Day type of holiday, while it is a day set aside to celebrate me alongside all other mothers out there, the “happy” part was not as easy for me this year, highlighting to me what I often judge as deficiencies in my heart.

As I used to experience the “happy” part of my birthdays as likewise highlighting my inability to be very happy about being alive (symptoms and then remnants of my struggle with depression prior to my last two birthdays), this Mother’s Day weekend felt similar. As though being celebrated was a burden, a chore, an obligation. (Vacations even to places like Hawaii used to feel this way to me as well.)

I felt like God was reminding me that it was okay, that even though I am no longer depressed, sometimes when we go through emotionally and/or physically taxing times of turmoil, our hearts, minds and bodies just naturally need REST. And what brings that rest can look different for different people, different times, different circumstances.

And people who love me for who I am, they understand that sometimes I just need some breathing room, or time to figure out what I need to even find that breathing room.

That when their presence in my life makes me feel stressed and pressured, making me feel this way really was and is never their intent, but it is a result of my own perceptions and self-imposed expectations that I must make myself “better” so I can respond properly and attend to their needs from me…. Making me feel that there is no time for me to figure out and get my own needs met.

I feel God reminding me that He’s got this… He’s got me, and He’s got them (meaning everyone I care about and am more or less worrying about taking care of…). He is God, and I am not. So, really, I don’t have to worry so much, and working myself up in worry doesn’t really do any good for anyone at the end of the day anyhow.

Also, like in the airplane safety demo’s where they remind parents that in the case of an emergency you must put your own oxygen mask first before helping your children, or else you may run out of oxygen before you can get the masks on your children…

We can only love others as much and as well as we have first learned to love ourselves, to take care of ourselves — our hearts, minds, bodies and then what we see as our responsibilities to the world around us.

And so, I just need to learn to sit quietly, let my soul quiet down, let my racing mind slow down, let my heart release anxieties, pain and hurts, disappointments, frustrations, etc. etc.

I need to find that place of calm and quiet, because that’s where God is with me, where I’m allowing God to be my God, to be my Heavenly Father who loves me and gives me life as a gift to be enjoyed…

And let God steadily but surely, with a happy healthy me, unfold all the dreams and visions He has put in my heart for my life, and for my family, friends, Church, community, and the world around.