“For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you…
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”
-2 Timothy 1:6-7
Raising a boy (after two girls) has been an adventure that is rapidly evolving now that he has hit 4-years-old.
For me, it’s not quite an “energy” thing, because if you have ever met my girls, then you’ll know their energy-levels rival many of their boy peers. But there seems to me a striking difference that is emerging more and more, especially as Trevor progresses through preschool, and as I anticipate Kindergarten almost right around the corner (not this September, but next September).
Quite possibly this difference is influenced a bit from my husband and myself as parents and our expectations versus strictly something innate to him as a boy…but I’m pretty sure at least in his case much of this is an appropriate reaction/response on our part to discover and know and draw out what unique characteristics God has put “in” him.
One of the big things that has been on my mind is the desire to acquaint him with the world of sports. One reason being that I want him to cultivate some positive outlets for his energy (which in contrast to his sisters seems to express itself much more consistently as a need-to-conquer-and/or-create-and-conquer physical challenges). Second reason being that based on how he seems to like to play with his peers–racing, climbing, wrestling, “play”-fighting — I can see sports being one of his main social outlets in the near future.
As I started investigating and asking around about what types of activities to consider and try, I realized that at age 4, I was actually a whole year behind many of his friends. Unfortunately, during his 3rd year of life, I was just too busy and preoccupied, i.e. with his older sister’s activities coupled with figuring out how to navigate our schedule as a working mom. But not to fear — I figured that since everyone always seemed to assure me that Trevor seems quite athletic, and he seemed that way to me as well, if I put my mind to getting him started this year, everything would be fine because how difficult can it all be?
What I had not anticipated was that the ability to play sports wouldn’t be automatic, simply because it seemed to me like it somehow should.
Looking at him and thinking about things I’ve seen him do (in his everyday climbing, jumping, running, kicking, etc.), I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that he is physically capable.
I’m learning, however, with this world of the types of sports boys play, having the physical capacity to do things is only one part of the game. And it seems it’s not necessarily even the main part.
Let’s consider first my attempt to put him into soccer.
He can run, and he can run pretty fast for his peer group. He can definitely kick as well (too often kicking what he shouldn’t be kicking).
I started him in an indoor soccer program at the Recreation Center where he became a little bit more familiar with soccer balls, and seemed to really enjoy games/exercises which involved kicking the ball into the net. He seemed to love this the first round, but after the second class he seemed to be getting bored and restless, and so…ready for the next step.
After some research (and help from friends on Facebook), I found a “soccer program” nearby that included a weekly practice and biweekly games. Perfect, I thought to myself, because with a little bit of help I could manage to squeeze the designated times for his age-group into our existing schedule.
This will be a piece of cake.
Then came the first practice.
They started with some fun exercise games which were right up Trevor’s alley. And then the nets got set up for the first “game” at practice, Trevor got his jersey on (first time!) and sent with his “team” to the net on his side of the field (exciting!). And that’s when he gave me a face that said, “I don’t know what’s going on here, and I’m not sure I like this.” (In the photo on the right, he’s the one with the pink shin guards his sisters had used, because I didn’t want to have to buy new shin guards if he didn’t end up needing them…)
When the whistle blew, Trevor initially made a small effort to run with the others, but then as he saw there was only 1 soccer ball to be shared between all of them, and that other boys and girls were kicking that ball, he stopped in the middle of the field, turned around and started walking off the field towards me.
I encouraged him to go back on, chase and kick the ball, assuring him that he can get it because he is as fast as the others. But he looked at me sighing sad-like and exclaiming, “But there’s only one ball and they’re all kicking it!”
To which I responded, “Yes, that’s soccer — That’s how the game works!”
When he still didn’t want to go back after my explanation of the game failed to motivate him, I pleaded with him to just go and try, and then I exhorted him that he needed to at least go back on the field and run with the other kids. As he still hesitated, I then pleaded that it would be good enough for me if even just goes back and stands on the field….just be in the game! (and if you do, then you can have dessert after dinner…or else no dessert after dinner… cause sometimes you need to bring in the positive vs. negative reinforcement as extra motivation).
That first day, he at least went back to stand (head down and pouty-faced, but still) on the field.
Second week and first game day were pretty much a repeat of the same scenario.
Third week, I convinced him to give a half-hearted effort to look like he’s running with the ball. But even when the ball would find its way in front of Trevor’s feet with no other kids around, or with the nearest kid looking at him to give him a few seconds to kick the ball (apparently this is normal for all kids his age playing — it’s more about kicking the ball and giving each other chances to kick the ball), he would freeze and just look down all sad or look away, until that kid who was waiting grew impatient and kicked the ball him- or her-self.
Eventually, I explained to my husband, Ivan, that he had to start getting involved, because it seemed to me that the kids (especially the boys) who were running after and kicking the balls were the ones who had their dads with them. Especially on game days, parents were allowed to go on the field to encourage (and help!) their kids run after the ball; when I tried to help Trevor in this way though, he was more interested in insisting on holding my hand while we ran and hugging me whenever the ball got too near.
I realized that the predicament we seemed to be facing with soccer seemed very much like a mental battle to “get in the game” — much more mental than physical.
Perhaps it was a confidence thing, of not having “played the game” before or outside of practices, so feeling like he didn’t know what he was doing was paralyzing him from wanting to even try.
There seemed also to be a dad vs. mom thing — or rather, one of us knows and understands team sports like this (Ivan) while the other one doesn’t (me). If I didn’t really know what to do, or what it takes, then there’s hesitation in me to know what exactly to do to help Trevor do what he needs to do and have what it takes…and maybe having me at his side made Trevor subconsciously pick up on and internalize this feeling/posture towards the game?
Or could it be when Trevor sees me, he is reminded intuitively of my role in his life teaching him to “Be gentle, Trevor!” such as when he is play-fighting, which he has done ever since he could stand and walk. I mean, I do want him to be gentle (don’t be too rough! no fighting!)…and thoughtful (don’t take what someone else wants!)…and polite (no grabbing! no kicking!)… but, besides what all is entailed in good sportsmanship, I’m not sure that the soccer field (or any sports field?) is where I want these to be the thoughts and guiding attitudes at the forefront. It just doesn’t seem to work.
I know I was likely over-analyzing this a bit…but regardless, this was the train of thought behind my plan/strategy to hopefully make at least some progress, however small, before the season ended.
And so, we went one day to the playground with the soccer ball so Ivan could play just a little bit with him — as a little bit was all we could get out of Trevor before he insisted on going back to the playground. If this became something that Trevor encoded in his little developing brain of his as an activity that he did with his daddy, then maybe he could see or own it more as an activity that he identified with as familiar and one of “his things” (as he is in the habit these days of telling me, “that’s just my thing” or “that’s my thing, that’s what I do”…).
And then it just so happened that for game days it worked out for Ivan to take Trevor to his soccer games, while I tended to other duties or took the girls out to other activities.
I’m happy to report that at his very last practice of the season (where I was there), Trevor was no longer hesitant to stay on the field and chase the ball. He could definitely still gain more confidence and boldness in going after the ball (nevermind the following task of learning and improving on actual skills), but he will kick it now when the ball happens to find its way in front of his feet.
So, while I’m quite aware that Trevor definitely has not mastered the game, but at least some steps in a positive direction have been made, and he’s closer to “getting in the game” than he was at the start of the season.
Of course, this whole ordeal made me think and reflect on my own life — and on all of our lives, in a way, as human beings — and how often in life we may encounter certain situations where we really do have all that it takes to engage and overcome — based on all that our Creator has put in us, in addition to all the help of Heaven’s resources He has promised to put at our disposal — but we get in our own way from jumping in or staying in the game, because we’re unsure of ourselves, we forget who we are and what we can do (and who He is and what He can do)…and what we should do (when we seem up against a fight), and/or we underestimate what becomes possible when we set our minds and determine ourselves to apply a concerted effort towards discovering a solution…
“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” -2 Peter 1:3-11 “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. and let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:23-25
