“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Brothers [and sisters], I do not consider myself yet to havetaken hold of it.

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:12-14, NIV)

I used to think, if I just work really hard at this, and if I could just master this list of disciplines or resolutions…then and only then can I have said “I have made it” and then give myself permission finally to rest, to take it easy, and perhaps glide through the rest of life with ease.  As though there is some bigger goal in life that once accomplished, then it is as if I have crossed a finish line of big race and at that point all that is left to do is to celebrate finishing, perhaps see where I lined up or how I placed if I feel up to it, and then that is that, THE END. And we can all finally live happily ever after, whatever that may mean.

I understand more now how life is a journey — and now that I am no longer struggling with depression and anxiety that weigh down on me everyday, being on this journey is no longer such a burdensome thing.  Yes, there will be ups and downs, but all of these ups and downs are part of a greater journey that is meant to be enjoyed… a going somewhere that won’t end even on this side of Heaven, BUT a journey where it is a good thing to never reach our final destination here on earth until we actually take our final breath.

In other words, it is good to be growing ever-more, everyday…  To have the satisfaction of living out particular seasons and seeing things end well, or if they end with room for improvement, that we can learn some lessons that ensure the next season can at least be better than the last…

Starting tonight, my husband and I will be joining a group of leaders at our Church for a special Inner Healing training seminar over two weekends, with a couple from Washington State that takes Christian couples who are Church leaders through intensive week-long Inner Healing sessions as their “profession.”  One of our prerequisite homework activities was to fill out an Inner Healing application ourselves for an issue that we want to seek greater breakthrough on, and for which we will allow one of our peers at this training seminar to walk us through (likewise, we will also be doing this for someone else).

In the busyness of these last few weeks, I had put off this assignment until this morning, partly I think because I wasn’t sure anymore what I would want to work on since so much of the last few years has been focused on my personal growth and breakthrough already…

However, when I sat down to fill it out, and came to the questions about what it is that I want to work on and grow in, I found myself excited to have this opportunity to focus on and receive some help breaking through what I am still trying to break through in — not because I can’t survive if I don’t have this additional breakthrough, but because it dawned on me that it is still possible to thrive even more and at a greater/deeper level than what God has already made possible in my life.

As long as I am alive, here on earth, there is still yet more for me to learn, to grow, to become more fully who God created me to be, so that I can continue in small (and perhaps one day, big) ways to make an impact that brings Heaven down and pours out God’s love to heal and transform people’s hearts, relationships, and lives…

One of the big themes God is working on in my life right now is walking in even greater freedom, and not being afraid to do what I need to do to find, discover and develop my voice… Or at least that is what I’ve got so far in terms of trying to articulate what is happening in me personally at this time.

My Voice to me represents a lot of specific tangible type things like writing (fighting frustrating bouts of self-doubt and self-criticism that trigger writer’s block and leads to a number of attempted, uncompleted posts), teaching (even if I don’t feel like I have the time and mental focus to be as organized and thought out as I’d like to be), attempts to start singing again (and not worrying so much about what I cannot do or cannot sound like, but remembering God enjoys what I can do and bring to Him), and playing (whether playing with my children or taking time to think through and invest in things that I want to do just for fun).

At a deeper level, however, discovering and growing My voice is an identity and relational matter for me… In my closest relationships with people in my life as well as in my relationship with God, I find that I am needing and wanting to push myself to “speak up” more whenever I hit some type of wall where I feel like something inside me isn’t worth voicing, or something doesn’t feel “safe” to share and say, because it’s about a part of me that isn’t yet “nice and polished” or “useful and therefore valuable” in any obvious way, and it triggers feelings of insecurity, potential embarrassment, and/or fears of judgment, etc.

I feel humbled and a bit apprehensive…but in ways that have me excited about what could yet happen in me and my life  =)