Lately, a passage in Ecclesiastes (7:15-18) has been pressing on my mind and heart:

In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these:

                              a righteous man perishing in his righteousness,

                                             and a wicked man living long in his wickedness.

                              Do not be overrighteous,

                                             neither be overwise –

                                             why destroy yourself?

                              Do not be overwicked,

                                             and do not be a fool –

                                             why die before your time?

                              It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other.

                              The man who fears God will avoid all extremes.

Ecclesiastes is one of those unfortunately under-studied books in the Bible authored by a wealthy, powerful, philosopher King (most likely King Solomon) reflecting on the meaning of life.  Perhaps the most well known passage in pop culture is the song, “Turn! Turn! Turn! (to Everything There Is a Season)” by The Byrds, which also often comes to my mind in terms of having a sense of perspective on all the different turn of events that happen over the course of our lives.

Anyhow, lately I have found myself getting into my calculative mode trying to figure out how to squeeze all the different roles of my current life into each day/week/month (wife, mom, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, home owner, part-time-work-from-home employee, ministry leader in my Church, neighbor, friend), and also at the end of the day hoping to somehow make some time for me…and for the things that I “want” to do, but haven’t quite learned how to make time to do (such as my blog, and more reading, and just down time where I can do whatever it is I want to do).

I feel like while my eyes and my heart are being opened more and more to all the good things God has put in my life, how far He has brought me from where I used to be headed when depression more or less ruled over my life…but there are still remnants of ways of thinking and living that often make me experience all of these blessings as more of a burden than joy.

Two themes that have been sticking out to me in this struggle, and to which the passage in Ecclesiastes seems to speak, are (1) the Tyranny of the “Shoulds” and (2) how Delayed Gratification should not be a “way of life.”  For now, I will share about the first topic, and then follow-up in the next few days on the second and how it relates.

Tyranny of the “Shoulds”

I’m not entirely sure if this is a byproduct of my Asian upbringing, or what perfectionistic tendencies I may have, but I have come to understand over the years that I tend to use the phrases “I should” or “Should I?” more than what is considered normal by a number of other people I have gone to for counsel in the past.

Recently, this was framed to me in a ‘nice’ way in that I am a person who lives according to principle.  I like to know what is the best way that I should go, or be, what is right or correct, and if I come to know and understand what is right, then that is what I will choose to do.  I believe, and will always believe, that there is merit to this.  This to me is wise living, the way to choose and go on the best path possible for my life…

Referring back to the Ecclesiastes passage, this is me heeding the warning to “not be overwicked,” to “not be a fool,” to “not die before [my] time.”  Should I choose a lifestyle or habit of stealing, and risk becoming a thief, who is untrustworthy even if I am never caught and thrown in jail? Should I choose to cheat, and potentially have things in my life that I didn’t earn, so that whatever acknowledgment or favor I receive from people and society is based on a lie that I will then forever be afraid of being found out?

When I’m struggling with something, with bad habits, with impatience and short-temperedness, or with apathy and close-heartedness… I find having a clear understanding that these are not habits that I want to embrace or cultivate or keep, even if at the expense of my pride or false sense of security and self-protection, because in the end, they do and will wreak havoc on the people most closest and most precious to me — my husband and my children.  Applying this principle keeps my personal growth goals clear and my focus as sharp as I can manage at any given time.

Problems occur, however, when I have real options to choose from that are not necessarily clear, and when I have people in my life who genuinely care about me and want me to be happy, not just for their own sakes, but genuinely want me to be happy, whatever that means or requires for me to be so. Because then there aren’t any “shoulds” that are apparent and easily identifiable for me.  Because the whole point of knowing that I actually want something or would like something simply because it would make me happy, means that this is not about figuring out what I “should” want and what I “should” choose.

And when I don’t realize what is going on in all this messy over-invasion of “shoulds” that I’ve allowed to guide my life, then what happens is the presentation of options or genuine care ends up making me feel pressured and confused…which then makes me feel like I’m wasting time or not being the best steward of the blessed life I’ve been given, which spirals me down into a pit of confusion and worry and stress and self-doubt, which results in me feeling resentment towards the very people who care about me enough to want to give me options and the freedom to just be me…

So, this is at least a glimpse into the process that I, even as someone who is no longer ‘ruled’ by depression, undergoes in a way that sometimes still tries to trap me in joy-less-ness.

And this is when I have now been hearing Holy Spirit reminding me of the bit in Ecclesiastes that comes right before the part I had always assumed justifies my “shoulds”: “Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise – why destroy yourself?”

I feel like God is now taking me through an extended season of un-learning “shoulds” or coming out from under a way of life where I am “tyrannized” by shoulds… He is pressing on my heart that there is a reason there are only 10 Commandments (versus the hundreds or thousands of rules and regulations that the Pharisees had drawn up by the time Jesus came), all of which can be summed up under the one greatest commandment, and the second which is like it (Matthew 22:37-40; Romans 13:8-10). These couple commandments are the only shoulds I need to keep in mind, to hold and bind in my heart.

They are like the fences to the playground God has set up for my life — within the walls, I am safe to run and jump and play freely.  In fact, now that I think about it, when I go to all the trouble of setting up a playground in my backyard (which I’m currently in the process of re-vamping for the spring and summer months ahead), or pack up the kids to drive them to a favored playground, I almost command or at least expect and hope for them to play, and play hard…to have fun. Because their enjoyment and well-being (and exercise and play and enticement to spend time outdoors in the fresh air and playing with other kids) was my whole purpose for creating or taking them to a safe and fun place…

God wants me (and us) to understand that His intention is for life to be like this for us… this was perhaps what the Garden of Eden was like, before we were alienated and separated by that tendency towards asserting independence and wanting to do things our own way, not able to fully trust in His Goodness and Love for us to more fully follow His lead.

I’m learning that for my everyday decisions, to take the time to truly listen to my heart — to the heart that God created in me and called “good,” the heart that I believe He truly, deeply loves so much that He really did pay the ultimate cost to save me.

I’m learning that both God and the people He has placed in my life to love me (especially my husband), truly care about me, not only about my hurts and struggles and wanting to make them “all better” (in the same way that I find myself wanting to do for my kids when they are hurt, whether physically or emotionally), but also about my heart and the desires and dreams that lie within it, even if I haven’t yet figured out what they are.

And as I’m learning to more fully trust in this — in their fully GOOD intentions towards me and ability to truly love and care for me as I need them to — that I can stop trying to figure out what I “should” do with my life, except that I “should” as a first crucial step learn how to make learning about my heart and my desires and dreams a true, no-apologies-needed priority.

Not to become a selfish, self-centered, irresponsible, lazy or unloving type of person and undoing all those years of hard work becoming what I believed was necessary to be a mature and responsible and trustworthy wife, friend, citizen etc., but to be able to become more truly and wholly me, to be able to be the most truly healthy and “happy” version of myself possible, which in the end is the most potentially consistent, productive, loving and giving version of me and my life that I can offer to God, my family, my friends, my Church, and the world!

I realize that this is not a struggle that everyone faces, perhaps at least not to the extremes that I sometimes do… I do think, however, this is something that shows up a lot in cases where people may falsely believe it’s irresponsible or somehow less noble to make it a priority to truly take care of yourself first, whether this applies to you, or to someone else in your life whose inability to consistently make time for themselves to enjoy life and be happy perplexes and perhaps troubles you.