This is Part II of my reflections on how to live life in a way that is sustainable in that it is possible for me to find that “time for me” (for Part I, see previous post on my need to fight off the Tyranny of the “Shoulds”… note that I had intended to write this the day after, but got seriously side-tracked with my dad visiting from out of town, and then my mother-in-law moving in, on top of 2 weeks of spring break for my girls — I apologize for this and thank you for your grace, even as I am learning to live in more grace for myself too!):

As a beginning step in this journey of shedding off “shoulds,” I feel like God has been highlighting a big “should not” in my life:

“Delayed Gratification should not be a Way of Life”

Basically, I feel like over-applying the principle of “delayed gratification” has been a big culprit of robbing me of the ability to find and make time for me…

I still believe the principle is a good tool, and a necessary life skill for mature and responsible living.  It’s important to be able to reliably turn down an invite to the beach on that first sunny day of the year when it’s a beautiful but busy Monday morning, and you’ve got a full schedule of meetings and commitments ahead of you at work, or important projects and studying for final exams at school.  Or to be able to delay purchasing that beautiful brand new car until after your earnings and/or savings reflect the ability to afford it so that the car doesn’t end up owning you.

When it becomes a “way of life,” however, and we perpetually feel guilty to do anything fun or relaxing until after we feel we have finished all our “work” — this is seriously unbalanced, unhealthy, unsustainable, and a formula for misery.

Making “delayed gratification” a way of life where I have made it a habit of putting my own needs or desires or fun last or on hold is actually not even the intent of the principle of “delayed gratification” in the first place.  It is an awful, debilitating distortion, now that I think about it…

According to  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deferred_gratification:

Delayed gratification, or deferred gratification, is the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward. Generally, delayed gratification is associated with resisting a smaller but more immediate reward in order to receive a larger or more enduring reward later.

So, the point of delayed gratification is not self-denial or self-deprivation, but only for the purpose of gaining greater gratification.  In the event that there is no greater gratification (however obvious or less obvious this greater good may be) to be achieved by putting “joy now” on hold, then there simply is no need for enforcing a delay… In fact, to do so is an example of being ‘overrighteous’/’overwise’ and ‘destroying yourself’ (Ecclesiastes 7:15-18).

I realize that this is not something everyone struggles with, hence my husband’s perplexed state over why in the last almost 10 years of marriage I still haven’t been able to manage figuring out how to make consistent time for myself to have fun and relax a priority when he truly fully supports me in having this the same way he knows to schedule in his basketball (he’s been playing every Tuesday night since graduating from University years ago!), hockey, golf and gaming time.

It is, however, I think a culprit in the lives of many who have struggled with depression like myself, or with a seemingly martyr complex where for some reason or another we have come to believe that being a “good person” requires that we always put our needs and wants last.

For those of us that struggle, I think it’s important to recognize the fallacy of this practice, and to be able to look at how we plan and live out each day/week/month/year, and make sure we’ve scheduled in consistent and adequate time for ourselves, for doing things that we enjoy, pursuing our dreams, investing in our personal well-being and growth (emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual), and in building/strengthening important relationships in our lives.  And if we feel/experience any false guilt over this, to reach out to our family and friends and/or covering and get support in combating the lies that make us feel like we don’t deserve to be happy (or don’t deserve to be happy until we get this or that done).

For those of you who don’t personally struggle with this inability to make time for self-care, but have someone in your lives who does, I am hoping that you can gain some insight into what might be going on in your loved one’s mind/heart, often subconsciously (as was the case for me until a few weeks ago).  Understanding doesn’t mean condoning their unhealthy behavior, or feeling responsible in any way to fix it, but perhaps it can help lead/guide your conversations to focus on the heart issues of self-worth and insecurities that really need to be addressed (versus, say, focusing primarily on time management skills).