Since my younger brother’s passing away on April 1st, there has been some measure of ongoing, unceasing grief and stress storming inside of me. It has remained pretty manageable for the most part, and I have been able to get through each day’s responsibilities on top of overseeing the funeral, planning and hosting a baby shower, and even finding out at the bridal shower that I was in charge of running my sister’s bridal shower this past Sunday.  But I am almost constantly conscious of its presence.

Perhaps I have been waiting for it to work its way through my body, which I believe will most certainly happen over time in some way or another.  Although I am not fully convinced that we are ever really the same after losing someone close to us–I believe that the more significant and positive an impact someone has been allowed and able to have on our lives, the more memorable and lasting the impact, as it should be–I know that one day, even as I definitely feel a bit less numb and tired and irritable than after that first week, the grief will have become a more acceptable, possibly even positive, part of me.

I have been trying to take advantage of moments here and there of energy and motivation and opportunity to do things likely to be more productive to the process, i.e. running one day, painting one day (first time I finally got out my paints, brushes and a canvas for me to use, instead of my kids), making time to clean up clutter around my house, walking, reading, resting…

This week I have been even more tired than I have been, after a busy (and quick) weekend of traveling, activity and late nights. It was nice to get to celebrate my sister and meet her friends and her fiance’s family for her bachelorette and bridal shower in New York/New Jersey, and it also was a much “happier” occasion to be seeing my sister and my mom than the last two times in April.  While the weekend went well overall, what I couldn’t not notice was also the impact of grief on both my sister and my mom, the weariness and the heaviness that was present in comparison to what I know of their “normally” upbeat, positive, joyful, social selves. I wish I could’ve done a better job to encourage and comfort them, but the symptoms are still all too evident in my own demeanor as well. In a way it was a comfort to know at least that we are still all pressing through and forward, and that we are determined to do this together…

Anyhow, as a result of the weekend, this week has been more difficult than it has been to tend to chores like folding and putting away the laundry from two days ago, picking up clutter, and getting myself to socialize (i.e. hosting play dates), exercise, or to just sit, read and/or write.

On the other hand, as I was working on figuring out the exact melody of a song my girls will be singing at their school’s Fine Arts Program show so I can help them practice (“Put On A Happy Face”)
, I found that sitting at the piano and singing was something I could do this week without feeling burdened or fatigued or like it’s a difficult activity to motivate myself to do…so I decided to work on putting some lyrics I attempted to write awhile ago to music….just for fun, just because I felt like it…

And so, in lieu of trying to articulate some of these deeper thoughts and reflections that have been racing through my head lately, I wanted to share the songs that I came up with this week:

With All We Have

I Will Still and Quiet My Soul

Thanks so much for being on this journey with me, for allowing me to process my thoughts out loud, and to share my life with you! Really appreciate it   =)