It’s been a loonnggg time since re-visiting this website but it has never been far from my mind and heart… While it may be another season before I will be more “regular” I’m recognizing more now the importance of this site, and blogging (until one day it possibly evolves into more than a blog), I am grateful that I have this platform to process and to share as life continues to evolve and unfold.
Growing in Grace
Growing as a mom of three, and recognizing more and more every day what a sacred calling/job/privilege it is I have to take care of my two daughters and son, I realize these days how not-up-to-the-task I am in terms of that ideal I so desperately hope to be.
Growing in this task, however, is not so much a matter of focusing more on it to the exclusion of other things in life which tug at my heart until/unless I perfect it, but rather requires constantly re-defining what perfecting this task looks like…what it means, what it entails.
That really at the end of the day it’s about just keeping at it, and having the humility to be corrected as I go (whether by myself, or my husband…or my fellow mom-friends…or my kids themselves — my eldest at 7.5 years old is as much an observer/thinker/reflector/questioner of life and human behavior as myself).
And being a gracious receiver of the grace and mercy which covers over us, making the sustainability of our relationships possible, and renewing hope for joy and peace and love in our futures no matter what has previously transpired.
At least for now, while the children are “children,” no matter how difficult the day was (if I had lost my patience and spoken harshly, they still desire our lullaby at night, and in the morning I am still the mom they look for to greet and hug and say “I love you, Mom” to. Every morning is a second chance to start anew, to start fresh.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
My children, among so many other ways they are precious to me, are living reminders/examples/givers/manifestations of grace, mercy and compassion which are “new every morning” to me =)
These past couple months have been busy, busy, busy…balancing parenting with increasing work responsibilities in my new job. It has been “good” though…very good, in the moments I’ve been able to sneak in a coffee break to reflect, as I realize the gift that work really can be when it’s employment that frees/empowers me to be doing things that are bubbling or heavy in my heart to do in the first place.
Not that it has all been easy…but overall it has been good as it’s forced me deeper into my need to be ever walking in Grace.
Visiting home and Deciding on the Power of Presence
Besides starting my new “job” joining staff at my Church which had me pretty preoccupied for the months of January and February, I recently visited my parents in my hometown during Spring Break.
I originally had deliberated flying home on my own so that I could try to dutifully help around the house more for my parents who have been understandably struggling more as they age, and especially as they have continued bearing the burden of grieving their son, and my brother, who passed away last year on April 1st at the age of 26.
At the same time, I felt like it could be a really good opportunity for my kids to spend time with their grandparents as well. But if we brought the kids, then I would need to have my “mom” hat on as well as attempting to try and be a good, helpful daughter… and I simply wouldn’t be able to be as helpful and focused on cleaning the house etc. as I would be if I was there on my own. Also, the additional cost of tickets (5 tickets versus 1) was money that possibly could have been set aside to gift them or help them out…but if we all went as a family, then it would be money spent all at once on travel…
My husband helped me decide that Spring Break would be a perfect opportunity to visit home as a family, and I could always schedule an additional trip later on to go on my own to “clean”…and as for money, well there are some things ultimately that money just can’t buy.
Considering how this would be a chance for my parents to bond more with their kids, to show my girls all my schools and childhood hang-outs, as well as to visit their Uncle Timmy’s grave together, I realized that spending time together as people needed to take priority over tasks and other “duties,” even tasks and duties motivated by service and love.
Presence would be more powerful than any “presents” of money or service I could gift to my parents–especially the greater power of the presence of grandkids in my parents’ home.
My dad shared with me that after the first night we were there visiting and the kids were running around exploring the house and playing, he was able to sleep 8 hours straight for the first time since my brother passed away last year. He and my mom shared that they appreciated having the house “filled with life” again…making me wish/hope that this could become a much more regular occurrence, somehow…
Overall it was a good visit, and powerfully healing for myself as well, even if the grief will never completely subside. But seeing us together as “family,” I think we all knew this was something (Uncle) Timmy would be watching from Heaven with a big smile on his face…
Princess Party Time and Remembering Tim
Yesterday was also my second daughter’s 6th birthday party. It was bittersweet planning for it, as the first day I managed to go run errands for the party was April 1st, the anniversary of Tim’s death. Shopping also reminded me of last year and how I wasn’t able to make it home in time for her birthday party and had to watch her half-ish smile in a video as they sang happy birthday to her without me.
In remembrance of Tim, I felt like his life message of “carpe diem / Seize the Day” kept running through my head, and I decided to let my daughter finally have her apparently unrelenting wish to get an Elsa dress/costume as her big birthday present. She was so happy and bubbly and chatting everyone up about how excited she was about her dress (I decided to splurge on the wig and wand and shoes as well…) as we walked through the mall!
And so, her birthday party was a Disney Princess dress-up Tea party/Easter Egg hunt party (which tends to happen since her birthday always falls so close to Easter). Watching the not-quite-so-little-anymore girls run around enjoying themselves being princesses (her older sister and cousin and friends dressed up as their ever-dutiful “servants”), it dawned on me this could very likely be one of the last years where getting to be a princess would be as magical and fun as it is to them at this time.
I was so grateful that I hadn’t let this possibly last opportunity pass, as I could have so easily missed it with my usual practical, “You don’t need it!”
As I was party shopping on the anniversary of Tim’s passing, I also decided to finally using my David’s Tea gift card from 2 birthdays ago…I chose a pretty, white “Perfect Tea Mug” that happened to be on special with a free tin of tea to go along with it, and have been been enjoying a cup of tea every night in honor/remembrance of him =)
(My plan is to try to use up all my giftcards that I’ve allowed to sit around this year as well –one is as old as my wedding 10+ years ago, but a friend checked for me maybe five years ago that it won’t expire….)
LOOKING AHEAD
Today happens to mark a milestone in my husband’s life as well — he came home about an hour ago newly tattooed…. if you know my husband, then you know what a strange, interesting, out-of-character thing this is for him to decide to do =)
As I look forward to celebrating Easter tomorrow and all that it represents for me and the world, and my faith in a powerful hope for this life even in the face of sin, evil and death…and my faith in a greater life after death…I am seeing my husband’s tattoo as representative of how this next chapter of life will be one that will be continually filled with brand new adventures!