[Youtube video by Peter Fuszard: Surfing Huge Waves in Hawaii]

I had started to question if it really was time to step back into ministry again?  Even if it is just a little step in, and a safe one at that which I’m not on my own to take, to test the waters and see if the season for me to dive back in has truly arrived, fears of whether or not this was the right time, the right move, the wise move, paralyzed me for a few days.

Having all these things on my mind, I accidentally turned down a street a bit too soon on my way to pick up a friend for coffee, and went over the bump of the curb. Normally I wouldn’t think twice because I don’t see driving over a small curb as a huge deal, but something had not seemed right, so I got out of my car to double-check the tire.  There wasn’t a lot of light in the parking lot, and the tire wasn’t “flat,” but my heart sank as I could hear a distinct hissing sound from the one tire that wasn’t by the other tires when I walked around to compare.  My friend went with me to a nearby gas station where there was more light, and I’d be able to fill the tire with air if needed, and sure enough, there was a small slit on the side of the tire where it must have popped going over the bump.

I knew I had no choice but I needed to call my husband and inform him of my mistake and its consequences (which I couldn’t fix myself because no tire fixing shops were open at that time on a Sunday night).  My moment of distraction meant more work on his shoulders that night, because he and his carpool required the car the next morning, and it just so happened to be a day when neither my mother-in-law’s car would be available nor the other carpool member who owns a second vehicle.

My husband wasn’t upset at me at all, and he just took care of the problem as he always just takes care of problems that arise, but I still felt shaken…and upset at myself.

And then I began wondering if this was a sign confirming that I couldn’t handle any more than what was already on my plate.

Was I really ready as a mom to start working?

Since becoming a stay-at-home mom of 3, I have learned to truly admire and appreciate all the moms out there who have been able to lay aside their career-ambitions and throw themselves into the very significant task of full-time parenting (a couple of my really good friends are also home-schooling!).

But I have also always seen and admired so much all my friends who gracefully balance family life and work life. And if I’m honest with myself, I have always identified more with the life of a working mom, but because of my history and possibly my health (which I’m more determined than ever this year to also be more mindful and proactive in this area), I have gotten into a habit of questioning how much I am able to do before I risk being too stressed, distracted or burnt out to be a good mom.

I wondered if I had mastered these “mom” responsibilities of mine well enough to take a step away without risking everything–or myself–falling apart.  Have I raised my children well enough for them to be able to not require me there as much — for their energetic selves to not be “too much work” for my mother-in-law and husband when I need them to cover more of their care for me.  Also, have I become okay enough at taking care of my home, that I’ll be able to remain a good steward of my house and keeping the things within it tidy and organized enough?

Thankfully, I was surrounded by listening ears, prayers, encouragement, and words of correction (because no, I do not want to be making decisions or passing up opportunities based on fear, and allowing myself to shrink back in shame, doubt and/or self-protection), from my amazing husband and my super strong “community of faith”- type friends.

I received a prophetic word from one friend that I wanted to share (a prophetic word as in I asked her to pray for me before I told her anything about what was going on, so that she could share any pictures or words that God put on her heart for me), as the picture she got for me was powerful and healing, and resulted in an assignment to look up and watch a video of someone surfing (therefore, the video I found featured above).

She got a picture of me surfing on a very, very, very big wave, and while I wasn’t falling in, I seemed to be struggling to keep my balance because I was trying to surf “by-the-book,” striving to remember, okay, I need to put my left foot here, and move my right foot a little there, and now my arms need to be positioned this way and that, etc.  And then she sensed God saying to me, “Daughter, how have you always surfed in the past? Remember how you have always done it in the past–it was by feel…That’s how you need to surf now…”

Now, I’m not a surfer by any means–I have taken group lessons twice on vacations, and the second time my body was just so tired I decided to sit and float on my surfboard instead of actually attempting to surf.

But I knew this picture wasn’t so much about surfing as it was about my life, and stepping out “onto the water” and moving forward into unknown challenges.

I tend to like to analyze everything, all the angles, to try to be as responsible and prepared as possible–in the name of wisdom.  At the same time, I recognize that when I begin “over”-analyzing everything, I can fall into a rut of worry and stress that then downward-spiral into more worry and stress, because the worrying itself ends up distracting me and running me down mentally, physically and emotionally, before any real problems actually arise (which, when actual problems do arise, they can just be dealt with and fixed as they come up and are identified).

So this picture for me was a reminder to turn my mind off overdrive for a bit, to rest assured that it’s okay to step forward, and just take each day one at a time and each moment one at a time, and discover all that is to come. And I will stay up on my board and move forward with greater confidence and steadiness if I proceed in the way that I have learned to navigate all the big challenges and trials of my past, by “feel”…because I know from those experiences how to sense God’s Presence with me and His Voice leading me when travelling down shaky and unfamiliar paths, and He has simply never ever failed to lead and carry me through…

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

In closing, I wanted to share the following song I found posted through Facebook, which I’ve been listening to over and over, as it reminds me of the surfing video, and just coming to a new place of letting go and letting God “do whatever You want to”: “In Over My Head” by Bethel music.

 

Here are Lyrics:

In Over My Head by Bethel Music

 

I have come to this place in my life

I’m full but I’m not satisfied

This longing to have more of You

I can feel it my heart is convinced

I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched

You already know this but still

Come do whatever you want to

 

I’m standing knee deep but I’m out where I’ve never been

I feel you coming and I hear your voice on the wind

 

Would you come and tear down the boxes

That I have tried to put You in

Let love come teach me who You are again

Take me back to the place

Where my heart was only about you

And all I wanted was just to be with you

Come do whatever you want to

 

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

 

Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

And you crash over me, I’m where you want me to be

I’m going under, I’m in over my head

 

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when

I’m beautifully in over my head

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when

I’m beautifully in over my head

 

I am beautifully in over my head

…Beautifully in over my head