Today is my first official day in a long, long time of having the house absolutely to myself for a FULL school day… Olivia finished her gradual entry last Wednesday and is now happily attending full-day Kindergarten (complete with finally getting to eat her lunch at school like her sister!), my mother-in-law is on a 2-week vacation in Europe, and today is one of my 2.5-year-old son’s two days a week in his all-day pre-school.

And I have to admit that I am relieved to finally feel like I can really, really breathe for a moment after those last weeks of summer and trying to make the most of it for my kids, followed by the beginning of school and focusing on getting my kids (and myself!) successfully readjusted to earlier bedtimes and wake-up times =)

I do also have a long list of chores, tasks, potential errands, but for the moment I am putting it on hold so that I can finally do a bit of writing on my website and share one of the various thoughts/revelations that have been floating around in my mind to write.

I have to admit that one of the reasons I “disappeared” for awhile is that in this round of busyness I had more moments than I care to admit of feeling “overwhelmed” in the midst of all the activity of summer, the couple of new tasks and deadlines (with my new Norwex business, and biweekly article for my parents’ friend’s community newspaper), processing and praying through different challenges faced by family and friends coming up seemingly all at once….and in light of all of this, putting quality alone-time on hold for a bit too long than is comfortable for my introverted side.

It didn’t help that I felt like I was fighting cold symptoms on and off as well, and then my not-so-predictable pre-time-of-month seemed also to take a much heavier physical toll on my body than normal (perhaps because now I’m on the other side of my mid-30’s?)…

During this time I physically felt depressed (as in my body physically was tired, worn out, hurting at times etc.), even though I was pretty sure I wasn’t emotionally depressed (emotionally tired, worn out, i.e. because of sadness, grief, hurt or anger)–because honestly overall I was and am truly and deeply happy and hopeful about where God has brought me in life and where I see Him continuing to take and grow me…

However, in feeling physically depressed, I felt like as I let my mind wander (because I was so tired, I was much less on point and on guard as I normally try to be with my thought-life), I naturally recalled and focused only on negative thoughts and feelings and beliefs that I used to think and feel and believe in the days when my emotional experience of life was still more or less defined by depression.  Which lead to me thinking that maybe I was still depressed, and everything that made me think otherwise was not actually enough.  Which made me feel depressed, because “what’s wrong with me?” and “If all this isn’t enough to make me happy, what ever will be able to?”

I was reminded throughout this season (as has been a helpful tool in the past) of the concept of “State Dependent Memory” and how the “state” we are in (whether physiological and/or emotional — the two are not necessarily but can often be intricately related) when we encode any thoughts or memories, is also that “state” in which we are most likely to recall those thoughts or memories at a later time.

My university Intro Psychology textbook (Psychology, by Peter Gray, 3rd edition) explains the reason being that our emotional and physical states at the time of encoding unconsciously serve as retrieval cues:

“Several studies have explored the possibility that mood can provide a basis for state-dependent memory….To the extent that it occurs naturally, mood-dependent memory may help explain the tendency of moods to perpetuate themselves. If a sad mood calls forth memories from previous occasions when a person was sad, the sadness will be enhanced and prolonged.” (p. 338)

Feeling even slightly emotionally overwhelmed when in the “physical state” that we experience when we are actually struggling with depression, can become a dangerous state when left unchecked, because the natural course of thoughts, feelings about those thoughts, and thoughts about those feelings, etc. is a nasty downward spiral that can quickly unravel us and possibly any relationships that are affected along the way.

Being aware of this phenomenon has been helpful to me not so much in that it is a quick-fix and I can just snap myself out of feeling emotionally down when I’m feeling physically down, but it can be a super helpful reminder that any conclusions I may start to find myself drawing about myself or my life (or my relationships) when in a compromised state are very likely unreliable and inaccurate reflections of what I really believe to be true.

So if/when I find myself unraveling, and become aware that this is happening, I can stop myself to at the very least assess that if I am feeling any physical symptoms of fatigue or pain which are similar to the physical symptoms of depression, I should turn my attention to addressing my physical symptoms first (often meaning I need to get more rest, or water–dehydration can have powerful effects on how we feel!, quiet time, or exercise, etc.).  This awareness can also enable me to know how to proceed in asking for practical help from my husband (and friends) accordingly.

Not sure how many of you out there can relate as well, but perhaps if not for yourself, this can be helpful in understanding if/when loved ones ever seem to be fine one moment and then out of the blue hit an emotionally exhausting downward spiral they can’t seem to climb out of, and it seems near impossible for them to access any positive thoughts or beliefs or memories.

Anyhow, I am glad to report that I made it through and am very appreciative of this new school year in which I will have a bit more built-in predictability and regular quiet time in my schedule to work with as the next season unfolds.

p.s. I know the photo might not necessarily be the best for this topic, but it’s one of my favorites during a photo session with my girls as toddlers when Olivia couldn’t stop crying so I had to have it printed…And today I just felt like sharing it…in case you were wondering =)