I was reminded last month by a friend of the rhyming motto I had for when I turned 35 two years ago — the year I could finally, definitively, say I was “35 and happy to be alive.”

For so many years of my life, while I was determined to live my life the best I could for God, depression had sucked out the emotional ability to enjoy being alive…and while I had conquered depression and found joy in my existence over the years, my actual birthday had continued to remain a difficult day for me to be happy on.  Starting at about 30, I then progressed to feeling okay, but that wasn’t the same as happy.

And then there was this huge shift at 35, like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, off of my heart…and I was undeniably happy to be alive, and happy to get to be celebrating “me” with good friends. (In light of review mode, my mottos at 36 were: “36 and time to get down to business” and “36 and a year of examining the sticks.”)

This year, interestingly, due to a combination of even more extreme busyness than I have been accustomed to, and the start of 6 weeks of summer where I would be with my 3 kids everyday all day (no more daycare for the 3-year-old or summer day camps for my 6- and 8- year-olds!), I found myself “feeling” melancholy and unhappy again on my 37th birthday).

A big difference, however similar/familiar the “feelings,” was that I was still honestly, deeply and seriously happy about being alive!

My birthday itself was a difficult day to get through because physically, mentally, emotionally I was just too tired and fatigued to feel like celebrating, and I felt a bit sad that I couldn’t be happier or in a better mood, which I was allowing to then make me feel even more sad.  A dangerous downward spiral in the works…

Thankfully I had the wisdom to catch this before the day’s end, and the realization of permission to ask Ivan for what I wanted/needed that day–not what I thought I was supposed to want or need.  So when dinner was done, I asked him to watch the kids and let me take a couple hours to steal away on my own instead of an obligatory birthday celebration outing with the kids.

I had just enough time to go and end the day well, spending at least a little bit of time doing something my body, mind and soul did have energy to crave and had been wanting to do: I grabbed a book I’ve been meaning to start reading for a long time and drove myself to Crescent Beach for some quiet time.  In honor of my birthday, I decided to get myself some ice cream as well (my favorite flavours: strawberry & cookies and cream, versus eating my kids’ leftovers), then proceeded to walk to a quiet spot to sit on my blanket and read for a bit, and then actually restfully watch the sunset.

I anticipated a difficult 6 more weeks or so of needing to just “get through” the days, but everything I was determining to get through was something I was deeply happy about, excited about even.  I would be continuing to violate my rules of taking on a bunch of “shoulds” to fill up pretty much each waking hour, and scheduling my personal capacity perhaps at 99% (definitely not the ideal 80% I had settled on as a much better sustainable pace for the long-term).

But all of this was with purpose and intention, it was all something I deliberately said “yes” to, after knowingly counting the cost and determining that “yes” it would be worth the trouble to myself, and “yes” I was up to the challenge or at least trying my very best to see what could be possible…

This (well, the fruit of what I’m fixating my eyes and time and energy on going after) is what figuring out the “how to” of living and enjoying my life more fully is for, ultimately and after all!

I realized that for me, learning to be happy isn’t about being happy for happyness’ sake — I do not desire to have nor foster an insatiable appetite for pleasures and leisure and pretty things for the sake of simply filling up my days with such things..to whatever extent I am or am not able to do.

In fact, I realized that even praying for good health all the time for the sake of good health and not needing ever to suffer physically also is not quite what I desire either, whether or not there is such a thing as ever being able to “master” having enough faith to have 100% health and healing 100% of the time.

What I want is to stay “full” so that I may always be overflowing, in all that truly matters in life — things like goodness, character, love, peace and joy, which are unshaken and non-dependent on the ever-shifting circumstances of life.  That I may be someone who, as long as I am living, have the possibility of impacting people around me for the better, whether it be just a little bit better or supernaturally-empowered to be a lot.

For my health, I am shifting my prayers as well, such that my focus would be less on how I’m feeling physically, and more on whether I have the health and strength to be able to accomplish what I hope to accomplish each day, that I may accomplish all that God assigns to me, all which He puts on my heart.

I’m realizing that while feelings (both physical or emotional) are extremely important to me, they are NOT the end all be all, not my main reference point…

In some ways, it feels like I’m in the midst of breaking out of a “Feelings” Cocoon.

Perhaps the emotional scars and symptoms I had carried the early part of my life required that I be wrapped up in a sort of Cocoon these past years, where I would be sheltered for a season to focus, to reflect, to heal, to breathe and grow stronger, to learn to simply be, to be loved for who I am and not what I do, to have some space to discover who I am, who I want to be… A season of immense personal, inner growth.

But I feel like it is a season now of breaking out of this “safety” zone — not that I won’t still be “safe” in His care — but it’s a matter of exercising my muscles and pushing my limits of comfortable-ness, that my capacity for life could expand according to what will be necessary for a new, exciting and potentially increasingly impactful future.

I will of course, true to who I know myself to be, continuously seek to grow, but I believe my growing will start being more about “outward”/”external” growth in comparison to what the focus has been…seeking to “serve and protect” others, to grow in “love” that not only genuinely feels but is compelled to action, to increasingly give out of whatever it is God has been putting into me and my life, as He leads and empowers me…

How this will look exactly, I honestly do not know. But I am excited — and happy — even if there are days when it’s more difficult to “feel” excited and happy while I’m in this exercising/training-my-wings-to-break-out-of-the-cocoon-mode — to be on and to share this journey with you!