Basically since my last post (which was a long while ago — so sorry!), I got struck with what I recognized just days before as one of my major Achilles’ heels…I got sick. And while my “cold” for this season did evolve and seemingly “heal” at various points–symptoms came, and symptoms went–my state of “being sick” has persisted, and persisted…and even now my body just doesn’t seem to be able to shake…it…off.
Besides being sick, a couple weeks ago as I was rushing off to run an errand, I also slipped and fell on my front steps and possibly twisted my ankle or foot — well, my foot is in some way injured. The swelling thankfully went down drastically within the first two days, so when I went to see a doctor just in case, I was told that it likely isn’t broken and all I can do is rest it, elevate it, sometimes ice it. Unfortunately for me it wasn’t necessarily the best month to be trying to rest, elevate and ice a foot that didn’t seem that bad (too much cleaning and organizing, planning, attending Christmas recitals, etc. to do, on top of taking care of kids who were taking turns getting sick, as well as overseeing renovations at our new investment home). Needless to say, the fact that my foot is not yet all better and I’m still struggling to hobble about (wincing in pain from time to time), I can’t exactly blame anyone but myself for not properly resting it yet.
I have realized these past couple months that when I get sick, or injured in any prolonged period type way, that’s when I start making all these exceptions for myself. Since in my mind, getting and being sick is supposed to be an exception, I figure I deserve a little break here and there. Which is to an extent true, at least physically. When you’re physically unwell, then logically, you need some physical rest in order to recover and be restored back to wellness…
For me, unfortunately, after a certain number of days I have arbitrarily mentally calculated to be allowable for being “out of commission” (or simply having my “commission” compromised…), then I start to make emotional and relational exceptions for myself, particularly around my family. And I have a habit of starting to fall into a semblance of despair…
I found myself falling into self-pity, which even I felt was pretty sad. I realized that people around the world suffer daily with various physical symptoms, and somehow, some better off some worse off, manage and get through life, and still actually appreciate life. Even when they have even more responsibilities than 3 young children to tend to, they remain grateful for life. I realized if nothing else I needed to fight to be grateful for my life as well, however well or sick I felt each morning.
I needed to remind myself that as I ultimately consider myself accountable to God and God alone, and I believe as a God who loves me/us, He isn’t up there playing games with my life to set me up to fail (one of my biggest struggles I think is feeling like I’m being set up to fail)–whatever it is He expects me to accomplish with my life, He will help lead me and provide for me in the same way He always has up to this point in my life…so, if I for some reason am destined to be sick or be dealing with a sick child 365/365 days of the year (which I know will not be the case!), then so be it, God will still lead and provide for whatever it is He is expecting/wanting of me.
I also found myself falling into old lies about being on my own to fend for myself, that no one (even my husband!) can really understand how I feel (when I’m feeling unwell, whether emotionally and/or physically) and therefore can really care and/or help. The danger in this lie is that I will start alienating myself from others when really I need help the most. I will turn inwards, desperately trying to grasp at stolen moments of rest here and there to hopefully heal as fast as I can so as not to inconvenience my “schedule” and/or anyone else’s around me, and most likely sabotaging my healing in the process because of the additional stress I have worked myself into.
I will also then let myself be “cranky” around my family, particularly around my spouse, as I’ve mentally turned him in my mind now into someone who is unable (which evolves somehow into unwilling) to help me, and therefore I experience his presence as additionally stressful… Naturally, and understandably, he will not receive my crankiness well. Thankfully, however, he has the self-control and constraint to never make things worse…
Also thankfully, this round lasted long enough that I was able to recognize at one point the need to try and communicate my feelings and needs (“I don’t feel well,” “I think I need to lie down–do you mind putting the kids down?”), instead of passive-aggressively–and ineffectively–expressing my feelings through crankiness and lashing out when I just can’t stand it anymore. My husband’s response? Always one of hearing me and caring about how I feel and doing his best to help me out.
At another point, I also found myself wondering, exasperated, “What is the point of planning?!!” Especially when one week and then another passed where I had to cancel all playdates and meetings and gatherings and appointments…and even had to miss what would’ve been 2-year-old Trevor’s first Christmas show (this time it was because he had started a 2-day bout of vomiting and fever-ing the night just before his school’s celebration). At this time discussions had also begun about possibly starting to work a salaried job in January, which had me even more nervous wondering if and how it would be possible to be a dependable employee which of course I would want to be…
A good friend reminded me in timely fashion that, um, everyone gets sick sometimes and has to cancel things sometimes… And then my pastor pointed out that if getting sick and having to cancel plans makes it pointless to plan, then really nobody could ever plan anything, ever… All things of course that I logically know, but when I’m vulnerable and struggling, it helps me immensely to hear reminders from people whom I know love and care about me no matter what, in sickness and in health.
I know this is not really a very Christmas-y post for being so near Christmas (we will be flying to California tomorrow to meet up with my family and celebrate Christmas together at my older brother’s place), but it has been pretty all-consuming of my life these past couple months, and hopefully will be coming to an end very soon =)
I wanted to share my experience because it has also been such a significant learning and growing time for me as well, reminding me almost daily of one of my favorite passages from my teenage/young-adult years, Jars of Clay (2 Cor 4:7-18).. As though I am being challenged to prepare myself for a bigger year ahead by having to face and deal with one of my biggest remaining struggles head-on.
I hope that this holiday season finds all of you as well as can be, physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually…and that over everything you would be able to see and be touched by God’s love for you personally, as Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, who came to make a way for all of us to be saved no longer by works but by His All-Sufficient Grace alone…
Merry Christmas everyone!