It seems simple enough, and for friends you’ve met at Starbucks before, it’s enough to know you’ll end up in the same place.

This morning, however, three of us ladies had scheduled a meeting at 11:30 am, at Starbucks — and we each ended up at 3 different locations.

Thank goodness for smartphones (or any kind of mobile device) because as we had each arrived at our respective Starbucks early, we were able to message one another and figure out pretty quickly that we had each arrived to a different destination…and remedy the situation without too many precious minutes lost…

I wonder, however, if having the convenience of our smartphones has also made us less precise in our communication…

I know I often leave figuring out “details” about where I need to be until last minute — I just think the information I need are in the email or text or Evite, and if there’s any confusion about where exactly I’m trying to end up — because for instance later today Google sent me 3 different location possibilities for 1 address — I can always call or text before I’m on my way (or, if I’m a passenger, I can call and text on my way).

If I didn’t have a smartphone, however — as was the case in a distant past — I would have figured out specific locations and addresses, plus verifying directions or printing out a Google Map from my computer, most likely when an appointment is set, or at least no later than the day before, because there wouldn’t be that expected guarantee of being able to reach one another last minute.

This morning’s scenario made me reflect also on other “communication messages” that may seem so simple — and can be simple if, say, we had previously met at a particular Starbucks 3x in a row — but which we can get so wrong when we don’t realize that we come with different assumptions of meaning which we don’t realize are not yet shared assumptions.

Take “I love you” for instance. Based on family background, relationship history, and simple differences in personality and preferences, saying “I love you” and hearing “I love you” can mean so many different things and be expressed in an almost infinite array of variations…

It seems so simple, we should all know what “I love you” means…but if you really pause and think about it, is it truly that simple?  Particularly if you consider a relationship where you know without a doubt you care deeply about someone, but they don’t seem to respond in kind to your most wild gestures of devotion…and I don’t mean that they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t even seem to get or notice nevermind appreciate your acts of love.

On the flipside, you trust the other person, so when he/she says he/she loves you, you believe them…and you see evidence that he/she does things for you that should make you feel cared for…but how come it’s been so long since you’ve actually felt cared for?

I think because of how I am wired (combined with how I grew up?), I often struggle with the latter…

Generally, I’m okay because I’m long-time well-versed in things such as the 5 Love Languages.  I understand that people express (and receive) love and care in different ways, and I really do appreciate the diversity of personalities God has created and surrounded me with in my life.  I value building flexibility in my repertoire of giving and receiving love.

If/when I am going through a difficult time and actually need to feel cared for because I have accumulated some kind of love/care deficit, however, then it is a different story.  In these times, I actually need my cup filled in whatever way actually fills my cup in the very uniqueness God has created me, and I need it to not be a mental exercise in appreciating others’ intentions…

Especially from the people whom I am walking out my life with in partnership (like my husband), if I’m not experiencing my cup getting filled by them in the times when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable, then I can quickly spiral into feeling extremely alone and wanting to isolate myself because at least then I won’t feel so disappointed or let down, on top of dealing with whatever stressors I am dealing with in the first place.

This is when I realize that if I have not been taking care to know myself and whatever it is I actually want or need in any particular season, and then also going to the trouble of communicating this honestly and openly to my husband, family and friends, so that we can non-defensively discuss and figure out solutions together during peace-times, then I am setting myself–and my poor other half’s of my relationships! — up for trouble, in any real times of trouble, which is when we really need to be able to stick together the most.

Especially for someone like me, where what I want/need seems to be ever changing and evolving, so what worked last season or the season before can very well be completely irrelevant this season–taking the time to know myself on an on-going basis and also to communicate about myself as I change and evolve, and prioritizing this all the more the busier I allow my life to become, is critical to staying relationally, emotionally and spiritually healthy.

I think, whether we are “complicated” or not, taking the time to talk things out about what we mean by “I love you” and what we want or need to actually feel loved, is super important in all of our significant relationships.  It’s also important to see this as a likely “evolving” matter, which warrants revisiting every so often…with a desire to keep up with — and stay well-verse in — our loved one’s wants and needs as they change and grow.

Over the years of such communication, then, a real “knowing” will develop …and our naturally different assumptions can evolve into shared assumptions, as it becomes easier and quicker to arrive at the same destinations of understanding.